Bad news, everyone! Turns out that other than many, many successes, Apple’s not actually doing that well.

Writing for The San Francisco Chronicle, Thomas Lee warns that “As Apple shifts toward services, company needs to rethink brand.” (Tip o’ the antlers to @JonyIveParody and Tay Bass.)

Apple Inc. owns one of the most valuable corporate brands in the world.

Ask not for whom the “but” tolls. It tolls for Apple.

Like, every time.

But…

[the clarion call of a clown horn rings through the valley]

…that equity… has not always extended to the products and services that it offers consumers.

If you look at Apple through this very elaborately constructed filter I’ve created that carefully weeds out or redefines its many successes, it looks like the company isn’t doing all that well.

The newer stuff that does carry the Apple moniker—Apple Watch, Apple Music, Apple TV— have been either outright disappointments or solid but not wildly popular businesses.

Looks like the Macalope has to link to this piece by Rene Ritchie on how the Apple Watch is clearly a success yet again. Apple Music, meanwhile, has 27 million paying subscribers. With the Apple TV as maybe “solid but not wildly popular”, the Macalope’s really wondering where the “outright disappointment” is here.

And do you remember the Apple Newton, the company’s failed attempt to develop a personal digital assistant in 1993?

Oh, snap! Sick burn from the first year of the Clinton Administration! Walk that off, Apple!

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